


A Small Indulgence

by patricia_von_arundel



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 02:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21206042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patricia_von_arundel/pseuds/patricia_von_arundel
Summary: It's not doubts about the coming battle that plague Edelgard after truths are revealed and promises made - it's her doubts about Byleth... and about her own feelings.





	A Small Indulgence

They camped the night before close enough to see the silhouette of the monastery, a dark, looming mass against the gathering dusk. The tension, palpable as the chill in the air, was perhaps inevitable - but Edelgard knew there was also nothing to be done about it. 

Still, it was distracting - and she had too many things threatening to distract her at the best of times. Which tonight most certainly was not. Nor, if she was honest with herself...

Nor was _tension_ the right word for what she felt. 

Fear.

What she felt was fear. 

Not only about the battle to come, but also about whatever might come after it. Selfishly, as well, fear of what it might mean for herself. There was control in helping shape the future, but none at all in what ultimately occurred. 

The day melted away in what seemed no time at all. There were inspections, instructions, final discussions, directions, commands, and only when Edelgard ordered that both meat and dessert be served with the evening meal - it would boost morale, and soon the problem of sufficient rations would solve itself - did she realize she had not eaten nor sat down since breakfast. She added dinner to her mental list, knowing both Hubert and Dorothea would invariably notice and chide her. 

What was it like, to be one of those soldiers? She watched them for a time - most were talking and laughing, though she saw some somber, pensive faces, meals only picked at. Some of them would never eat again. They would put on armor, ready their weapons... and die in mud and filth and their own blood. 

Of course, the same was true for her. But this she had chosen. How many of those before her had truly chosen to be here? They were following orders, as they had sworn to do. _Her_ orders. 

Perhaps sometimes it was for the best, being so alone now. Leaving no one behind to mourn or grieve or cry at her loss. So many of these men had families. Parents, children, brothers and sisters. 

"Your Majesty?" The voice of an earnest-looking young soldier, turning a sheaf of papers over and over in his hands. "The final weapons inventory is complete."

"Back to work, then..."

The soldier looked a bit startled. "Hm?"

"Nothing. Thank you."

For the best, but very lonely. 

As the young soldier walked away, one of the tables shouted for him. "How do you always draw the worst duties? Catch!" He deftly caught the cake they tossed him, and left laughing and shaking his head. 

So very, very lonely. 

She left them to their meal, and their enjoyment. 

Work continued as the sun sank below the horizon. Candlelight flickering on the map before her, on her glove as she traced one finger along battle lines she had long since memorized. She still wasn't happy with the plans for the western approach - it _felt_ as if it had a weak spot, a potential hole, but where that might be was elusive. 

She considered calling Petra - the master of spotting such things, with her hunters' eyes - but Edelgard hated to disturb what little sleep anyone might be able to get on a night like this one. Hubert would be close, of course, but he, too, should be asleep, and she wasn't going to encourage his behavior (as if it would not continue regardless). 

And there was the one she _wanted_ to see...

_I will protect Edelgard._

But it wasn't like that. She couldn't fall victim to what might prove dangerous assumption. Especially not now. 

She rolled the map again with a sigh, finally giving in to the dull ache that had begun to thump behind her eyes. She needed to at least attempt sleep herself. Blow out the candle, and sleep. And tomorrow - 

Tomorrow, take back the world. 

"With you by my side," she murmured - if only to herself. 

_Protect Edelgard._

The memory was there, echoing as she prepared for bed, as she combed her hair, coiled it up so it would not tangle in the night, changed her clothes. Beneath blankets, eyes resolutely shut, she reminded herself several times - to stop being utterly ridiculous. She attempted to review the map again, mentally. She told herself to sleep. 

Eventually, she did. 

* * *

The battle raged with the fierce, bloody violence that she had feared. Endless, the other side, and in helmets and armor, as if soulless as well. Edelgard could feel the harshness of her own breath, the growing heat in the muscles of her arms, as she cut through them. Sprays of blood - those, too, were hot, but quickly cooled and grew sticky against her skin. 

Tattoos of death. Senseless, meaningless death. Death by her blade. Death by her hand. But still, she swung her axe, and still, she killed them. 

"Edelgard!" Byleth. She darted through as if their enemies were motionless. "An opening - into the monastery. This way." And cat-like, she was gone again, leaving Edelgard to try to chase after her. 

_I would follow you anywhere._

The inside of the monastery was shockingly quiet, after the chaos of battle outside its walls. No students, no staff - even the cats seemed to have vanished. It was almost unnatural - eerie. 

But Byleth seemed sure of herself. "Leave your weapons here."

"My... weapons?"

A curt nod. "I have another idea. They'll just weigh us down. Let's get to the cathedral."

Edelgard did as told. She had given Byleth lead, after all, for a reason. Even when that lead was disquieting. 

_Protect Edelgard. _

_My teacher..._

Past the greenhouse, the dining hall. The dormitory - all her things would still be there. Books and ribbons and letters from her father. Uniforms she would likely never wear again. 

And the cathedral itself, looming over all like the monstrosities that dwelt within it. Edelgard felt her heartbeat quicken. She glanced at Byleth - expressionless. Sure of whatever it was that she had planned. 

No chorus rang out inside the cathedral. There were no prayers. Just the lone figure waiting at the end of the nave. The one they had come here to seek. 

Rhea. 

She smiled at them. That serene smile that was more of a mask than any Edelgard had worn. "I've been waiting."

Byleth nodded. Still expressionless. "Where?"

"Just in here. Come."

Edelgard's heart felt like a trapped bird, flapping desperately within her chest. 

_I will protect Edelgard._

When Byleth followed Rhea, she went with them. She felt small, suddenly. Defenseless. Something was wrong. Something... 

Her breath caught at the turn. A place she knew, but not here. A place windowless, dark, cold. Stone walls, stone floors. And...

Chains. 

"No." She took a step back, shaking her head, panic already clutching her. "No, please-!"

Byleth grabbed her arms. Her grip was like steel. 

Edelgard fought her. Bucked and struggled and tried to kick. But she was a child again, and Byleth lifted her effortlessly. Rhea watched, wordless - but still, that serene smile, as Edelgard felt the desperate, terrified tears began to fall, and the painful cold of the manacles Byleth closed around her wrists. She began to tremble - the cold, and the fear. 

Byleth stepped back, standing with Rhea, her face still expressionless as Edelgard cowered against the wall, legs quivering, finally giving out. She sank, pulling her knees to her chest, shaking and small and helpless. 

But she forced her eyes up, meeting Byleth's. "My... my teacher?"

_I will protect Edelgard. _

Cold, hard eyes. "You are not the only one with betrayal within them, Edelgard."

"My teacher - please! _Please!_ Don't-!"

But they left her. The door closing, the thud of the lock, and then silent darkness, broken only by her harsh, desperate sobs for breath. 

Her sobs, and the skittering of the rats in the walls. 

* * *

She woke with a choked gasp, pulling her arms tight against her chest. In the moonlight, she could see the walls of her tent. No stone. 

Still, she squeezed her eyes shut - as if that could hide the memory already seared across her mind. Told herself none of it was real, as if _that_ did anything either. Deep breaths. Turning on her side, pulling the blankets up with her shaking hands. 

The leader of an empire, trembling in her bed like a frightened child. 

But that was why. Why they had to do it. She knew she couldn't prevent every nightmare for ever child in the world, but she could see to it that some nightmares, at least, could never happen again. That the children of Fódlan could sleep safely in beds, and not in chains. 

Perhaps then her own nightmares would finally cease. 

With her breath and heart finally mostly calmed, she sighed, pushing the blankets away and sitting up. No use in trying to sleep now - she knew well how this mental ritual was performed. And the night air, cool and crisp as it was, might help clear her mind. She left her gloves and jacket - it was well past evening curfew, and she knew where the sentries were stationed. No one would see. 

Outside was dark and quiet, no noise but gentle wind through the trees. Candles still burned in a few tents - Hubert's among them, she noted with a touch of amusement and complete lack of surprise - but it was the light from the monastery, far above them, that caught her eye. 

They knew she was coming. Of course they knew. 

_Rhea_ knew. 

"I shall never wear chains again." Spoken softly - but the truth rang through her like the bells in the cathedral. 

"Edelgard?"

She jumped - startled not only by the sound, but also by the owner of the voice. She brought her arms up, crossing them tightly against her chest, as if Byleth might otherwise be able to see the heart once more beating madly beneath. 

"Couldn't sleep?" Byleth was still dressed, and Edelgard realized she wasn't even sure where Byleth had been all day. 

_Meeting with Rhea?_

Edelgard wanted to think it was ridiculous to even consider, but her own actions of late spoke otherwise. She wanted to dismiss the very idea, nonetheless. Byleth would never betray her. 

_Would she?_

The expressionless face. Rhea's serene, sweet smile. 

_I will protect Edelgard. _

She was shaking again. She tightened her arms against her chest, hoping to hide it, and suddenly very aware once more of the scars criss-crossing her bare skin. If Byleth noticed either, though, she said nothing. 

Edelgard took a deep breath. "Just... just another nightmare."

_Please don't leave me. Please, please don't ever leave me. Don't leave me to_ those _chains. The loneliness..._

Words she knew she could never say. Or so she had to force herself to believe. Especially now. 

"I'm sorry."

Edelgard looked away. She didn't know quite what to say. She wanted to ask - about Rhea. About where Byleth had been. About her decision to stay. More words she could not say. 

"Edelgard?"

Either of them could die tomorrow, just as easily as any of those soldiers laughing over a meal. Either of them, or both of them, and Edelgard had long since ceased to believe in the promise of an afterlife. 

All the words she might never have the _chance_ to say. 

"My teacher..."

Byleth watching her, waiting patiently. But not expressionless - not truly. That tight smile. Those eyes, bright even in the dim light. 

Another deep breath. "Might I ask... a small indulgence?"

She didn't wait for an answer. She let herself fall against Byleth, her hands fisted between their chests, eyes closed and her breath short, harsh. There was no hesitation in Byleth's response - arms wrapped around her, pulled her closer, though they were stiff, as if not accustomed to holding someone. 

Well, that made two of them. 

But she was warm, and she was there. And slowly, Edelgard felt the trembling ease. 

"I know our path is the right one," she said then, softly. "But still, I feel doubts and fears. So much I cannot control." She laughed, though there was no humor in it. "Even my own dreams."

She pulled away. Only a small indulgence, she had asked for, and already, it felt a much larger one. "I should let you get to sleep."

"You should try, too."

Edelgard nodded. "Yes, my teacher."

"I like your hair like that." Byleth reached out, brushing her fingers against one of the coils. "Goodnight, Edelgard."

And she turned and walked away, leaving Edelgard to reach up, and rest her own fingers where Byleth's had been - wondering. 

* * *

The next day, so many words still unspoken, Byleth was gone. 

**Author's Note:**

> Byleth wasn't up to anything nefarious, if you were concerned. She spent the day training and helping with routine tasks around the camp. Pretty much what she does regardless, you know? El's just a paranoid puppy. 
> 
> The tenses are deliberately choppy throughout the story - I was trying to portray El's mental state in turmoil. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
